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Wherein I Attempt to Listen to an Entire Journey CD

Mon, 10 Jan 2011 20:32:49 CST

If you know me at all, chances are you know I despise Journey. I've never been a fan and could never tolerate them. I'm not really sure what it is I don't like about them, but, the fact is, never have liked them and could never understand why people love them so much.

Then, for my birthday this weekend, my always-thoughtful friend Jon gave me Journey's Greatest Hits, which, much to my surprise, actually has 16 tracks. It was funny, I laughed, and then I plotted the disc's demise.

I considered never opening it so that no one could ever suspect me of being a fan, but then they might also think it's some rare misprint edition that I wanted to keep in the original shrinkwrap, so I wasn't sure I wanted to do that. Then I realized that really, the only time I've ever listened to Journey was when some drunk jackass had a dollar burning a hole in his pocket and decided to play one of three songs on the jukebox at the bar.

So, in the privacy of my car, I put the Journey Greatest Hits CD in my CD player. At first glance, the packaging (excluding the artwork) is pretty cool. It's cardboard (so one could recycle it, I guess?), and has a neat slide-out flap thing. At least their marketing guy isn't a moron.

From here, I'll walk you through my Journey journey.

1. "Only the Young"
I think I've heard this one before. It was boring. "Anyone could've written this song!" I got 1:11 into this one, only because I had to grab my parking pass and swipe it to exit the parking garage at work, which added about 35 seconds to my listening time. Total Listening Time: 1:11

2. "Don't Stop Believin'"
I've always hated this song. It took me 57 seconds to remember that again. I'll admit, my hand tapped the steering wheel during the intro. You know, if I had watched the series finale of "Sopranos", I probably wouldn't have known that they just cut to black in the middle of a sentence, because I would've just turned off the TV right as this song started playing. So, really, I would've had the same ending. Total Listening Time: 0:57

3. "Wheel in the Sky"
I wasn't appalled at this one. It's not horrible, and the chorus is awfully catchy. I actually listened to this one all of the way. If it were on in a bar and I was drinking, I wouldn't belligerently yell about it. Total Listening Time: 4:13

4. "Faithfully"
Ugh, a ballad. It was in this song where I decided that Steve Perry's voice sounds like a cross between Rod Stewart and Michael Bolton. "Let's mash-up two piles of suck to make one ultra pile of suck!" Total Listening Time: 0:22

5. "I'll Be Alright With You"
Bored. Total Listening Time: 0:14

6. "Any Way You Want It"
This is another one that if it's on in a bar and the congregation isn't stupidly singing it in unison, I can ignore it. Total Listening Time: 1:31

7. "Ask the Lonely"
This sounds like it was used in a few 80s movie montages. That doesn't make it good. Another one anyone could have written. Total Listening Time: 0:31

8. "Who's Crying Now"
The lack of a question mark leads me to believe he's going to tell me who is crying now and isn't asking, but I couldn't be bothered to figure that out. The songs pretty boring. Just couldn't wrap my head around what I was supposed to be caring about. The listening time on this will be off because I hit a bump in the road and the disc skipped ahead like 4 seconds. Total Listening Time: 0:47*

9. "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)"
Ok, this synth is pretty cool sounding. Where are they going with this? Hm, that riff ain't too bad either. Is this an instrumental? I could dig tha — dammit! I'll bear with it. Sounds like it's building up to something big. Wait, the build up was to something NOT epic? Meh. Total Listening Time: 1:25

10. "Lights"
What?! Another ballad? I swear, if Rhea ever makes me slow dance to a Journey song, we'll probably have to start going to marriage counseling because I'll stop speaking to her, like in that one episode of Roseanne where DJ stops talking for two whole days and no one notices because they're all too busy to care. People voluntarily put this specific track on? I could take a nap to this though. Total Listening Time: 1:18*

11. "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'"
Boy, Journey sure does love dropping the "g" from their gerunds! I've heard this one. Is it on Rock Band or something? Wait! This is on Rock Band! This is a dude?! And Journey?! HAHAHAHA! I thought it was a woman who smoked a lot. Total Listening Time: 0:44

12. "Open Arms"
This piano opening sounds like one the previous piano openings. It also sounds like ballad number three. Or four. Who cares? There's some crappy whining noise on the recording. Surprisingly, it's not Steve Perry. It's just a crappy recording. Recording engineer probably used the last 3 minutes of tape to record this, so the tensile strength of the tape was being tested. I bet he hoped it would pop. Total Listening Time: 0:47

13. "Girl Can't Help It"
By title alone I can only imagine this will be a gem. Medium-paced song. Bored already. 17 seconds in and ready to change it. Trying to resist. Too close to the end of the album. Must … can't…. Total Listening Time: 0:27

14. "Send Her My Love"
Something tells me this is love he's having sent is unrequited. Ballad four or five or something. Skipping ahead to chorus. Nope, no better. Total Listening Time: ~0:57 (Took out time skipped)

15. "Be Good to Yourself"
Whoa, running the pick down the strings to open this one! Journey means effing business! I feel like a lot of people have washed a car while listening to this one. Maybe lip syncing into the sponge. I could ignore this if it were on in a crowded bar, but not in someone's car. Total Listening Time: 1:42

16. "When You Love a Woman"
I've made it to the last track, amazingly. …and it's another damned ballad with a slow piano intro. Maybe it's one of those songs that has a bad ass outro because it's the final track. If the guy who mastered this album knew what he was doing, I won't be let down. Skipping at 0:25 seconds… final 40 seconds of the track… Skipping to final 20 seconds… What? He just held down the final note until it faded out?! Come on, seriously? Start out slow and mopey and then at the bridge between the third and fourth verses, get really angry at this woman and just go hog wild and explode my speakers, Steve Perry! Ugh, horrible. Granted, this might not have been the final track on the original album, but come on! Total Listening Time: ~0:47

Well, there you go. I made it through a Journey album, sorta. The total running time for the CD is 1:05:25. I listened to a total of 17:50, which works out to about 27.26% of the entire CD.

I always thought the reason I hated Journey was because of Journey fans, and while that still holds true for the big radio singles that get played in bars and at weddings all the time, the biggest reason I don't like Journey is that they're boring and write boring songs.

Jon, thanks for the CD! Can't wait to buy your pet snakes in December!

Fat City to Become Lean City

Wed, 22 Sep 2010 16:11:49 CST
In case you aren't aware, Jefferson Parish's Council unanimously passed a new ordinance to help improve the area of Metairie known as Fat City.

On the surface, it's a great plan. Fat City is a bit seedy and being near the Causeway and Lakeside Shopping Center, and mere minutes from New Orleans, it's in a prime location. It should be clean and pretty and bountiful.

The idea to have brick walkways for people to stroll down is nice. Canopies shielding you from a springtime drizzle or south Louisiana's sunshine is nice too.

Restaurants like Crazy Johnnies and Drago's are probably the main anchors in the area, and music venues like The Bar and High Ground give local artists a chance to show their talent and get their names out. I used to hang out at High Ground back in the Cypress Hall days and I saw many local and national acts there (Link 80 and Point 07 was my first show, and when I was in The Fraggles, we played there a few times). Hell, Toys R Us is right there too.

But today, the new ordinance not only aims to clean the place up physically, it aims to clean up the crime in the area. That's its aim, any way. The problem with the ordinance is that it's forcing anyone who has a liquor permit to stop sales of alcohol at midnight Sunday through Thursday and 1am on Fridays and Saturdays. This might not be a big deal for Drago's or the Time Saver (or whatever it's called now) since alcohol isn't their main ware, but it does hurt the bars in the area. A lot.

There's already an ordinance that passed about 2 decades ago that prohibits any new bars from opening in Fat City. Existing bars are allowed to operate, but once they close, they're gone for good. This new ordinance would kill off all bars in the area. Most bars don't start their big business until 10pm or later. This gives them about 2 hours of real, hard sales.

Cynthia Lee Sheng, who is spearheading this ordinance, claims that a lot of the criminal activity in the area is because of the bars. Actually, she claims it's at "alcohol permit holders" which includes convenience stores and restaurants.

What Sheng and proponents fail to acknowledge is that the majority of crime originates from the variety of apartment complexes in the area. The apartments are inhabited by mostly low-income citizens, many of whom are not white. Hold your horses! I have a reason for stating that. It's in my opinion that the Jefferson Parish Council doesn't want to blame the apartments for two reasons:

1. They are being too politically correct and are afraid that if they blame the apartments, they will be seen as blaming Blacks and Hispanics for the crime in the area.

2. They want to ignore the fact that A POLICE STATION IS LOCATED IN THE HEART OF FAT CITY ON HESSMER!

That's right: there's a police station on Hessmer Ave, in the middle of Fat City, and Fat City has some of the highest battery and robbery crime stats in Jefferson Parish. Of course they don't want to blame the apartments down the street from a police station because that would point out the ineffectiveness of the Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Office.

Look, I'm not down on cops or the JPSO. I think 99% of cops are great men and women doing their best, but when you have a police station in the middle of a heavy crime area and that crime level never declines, you have a problem. Closing bars at 12am or even 1am is not going to solve whatever internal criminal justice issues JP is currently facing.

Do I visit the bars in Fat City? Nah, I go to NOLA for my drinking (or the occasional Kenner bar -- don't judge! Kenner's a'ight, brah.), but I still feel that this new ordinance is unjustly destroying viable local, small businesses that are funneling tax dollars into the Parish. Would Jefferson Parish rather these bars relocate to Veterans Blvd? Would they rather their main thoroughfare be lined with bars and other such establishments? Or would it be better to tuck them in a little and have them all in close proximity to one another to make policing them easier, � la the French Quarter?

Does Jefferson Parish really think that by closing the bars at 12am that the criminals will just go home and go to bed? No, they're start wandering the neighborhood and find something else to do at 12am on a Thursday. Or they'll start moving out to other parts of Jefferson Parish and wreaking havoc. Wouldn't it be better to essentially quarantine the bars and criminals to one area (again, one with a police station in the middle of it) to make it easier to clean up?

And what's next – all JP bars start closing at 12am? I can guaran-damn-tee that very topic will be brought up within 5 years.

And it's not just bars being shafted – all business will have to physically move their buildings closer to the street corner to facilitate the same "Main Street" feeling Magazine et al project. They are going to require all parking to be behind the businesses and the businesses to be right up on the sidewalks. I'm not saying the idea is bad, but have you any idea the tens of thousands of dollars it will cost each business to do this? Drago's will have to completely re-situate, and Crazy Johnnie's parking lot across the street will have to go.

Again, Fat City needs fixing, no doubt about it. But forcing bars to close during peak hours and forcing businesses to perform monumental rebuilding is the wrong way to do it. Clean up the crime first. Leave the businesses alone.

I'm at Engaged w/ @zeldamac

Mon, 9 Aug 2010 11:29:48 CST
On Saturday, Rhea and I got engaged! I've been secretly planning the proposal since the beginning of June. I had the evening planned: we'd go catch a movie at the newly-revamped Theatres at Canal Place, complete with full menu and a call button to have your food delivered without missing the movie, and then we'd take a short cruise up and down the Mississippi River on the Natchez Steamboat, the last remaining steamboat in operation on the Mississippi River. One thing was missing.

The actual proposal.

We've discussed getting married and things we both liked and didn't like. One thing we both agreed on: in public is just too much. Rhea also felt the one-knee thing would make her uncomfortable and I was cool with that. So, grandiose, public traditional proposal was out. I had a couple of ideas.

We're both nerdy and geeky people, and we're also not a traditional couple, so I need a non-traditional, nerdy way to do it. One option was to write a little PHP script that, when activated from my phone, would send her a text message from a random e-mail address. I'd encourage her to ask who it is, then it'd say "I have a question for you" then after her reply, it'd send just a picture of the ring, at which time I'd ask her, with the ring actually in my hand. It was a good idea, but depended on Verizon being helpful, my webserver being up, and her not getting bored with wondering who this random "person" was. It was too much left up to chance. (I have the PHP written if anyone wants it.)

Then I got an idea. We're both big foursquare junkies and having developed the Palm webOS foursquare app, I had great knowledge of how the service worked and the API. I decided a great idea would be to create a tip on the Natchez venue asking her to marry me. Since we're friends on foursquare, when she checked-in to the steamboat, the tip would pop up: "Since you're at Steamboat Natchez, Geoff G says 'RHEA: Will you marry me?'". It was perfect! Even if she expected the proposal to happen that night (she didn't), this would still catch her off guard. There was one little problem.

The Natchez is walking distance from the movie theatre. If the tip was created before we went to the movie, checking-in to the movies would've shown the tip from the Natchez as a nearby suggestion. On top of that, we had 45 minutes between the movie ending and boarding time on the Natchez, so there was a good chance we'd stop in somewhere else in the Quarter where we'd check-in and that'd ruin it.

I e-mailed Naveen at foursquare to verify how the tips worked to make sure it would work perfectly. He gave me some pointers and some insight and wished me luck.

So I created a small PHP script (again) that just had a giant SUBMIT button. While in the bathroom at the movies, I loaded up the page on my phone and left the webbrowser open and put the phone in my pocket. After we walked around a bit, as soon as we got in line at the Natchez, I pulled out my phone, tapped "SUBMIT" and put my phone away. I had to be quick because we have a rule that we don't get on our phones on dates (except to check-in, of course!).

We begin to board the boat (nervous that there'd be a metal detector for security… luckily there wasn't!) and I moved us to the right side of the boat since everyone was on the left side. She wanted to explore the boat, but I kept forcing us to stay away from everyone. Finally I got her to sit down as we looked out over the Mississippi River and I said "Oh, we should check-in." I watched as she opened the app and it loaded venues. Of course, she decides to type a shout, adding to the suspense. Once I saw her tap "Check-in" I pulled the ring out of my pocket and waited. She turned to me, a cross between nervous, excited, and confused, and asked "Really?" and I motioned down toward my lap where I was holding (and hiding) the ring. (She asked "Really?" because I've been doing fake proposals to her for the last year or so to throw her off the trail. Things like at a bar, getting on one knee and saying "Rhea, will you… hold my beer while I tie my shoe?")

She said "Yes", and all is great! As a bonus, we both unlocked the "I'm on a boat!" badge.

I didn't manage to get a screenshot of the tip up on her phone (too much excitement), but here's a link to the tip on the foursquare website.

So, thanks to Naveen and Harry at foursquare for giving me insight on the pop-up tips feature of foursquare. We're both super excited and happy!